Some things I have learned through my journey

ON TIME...

Time is but water, slowly evaporating away as the sun passed through it like days passed through memories but unlike water, it won’t come back like rain.  Just like the trees swaying in the wind, people of this world expect us to sway towards the direction of the wind blowing. Try as we might we can never swim upstream for the weight of pressure and expectation weighs us down like water under the trenches in the abyss. How I wish it was not so. How I wish we could be like lightning, unpredictable, yet swift and sure to hit the goal regardless of distance or regardless of the strength of the goal, it is sure to hit. Yet it is not ruled by any direction, it could go in any direction yet still hit its goal.

Time is relative, yet also constant. Just like honey, it can be thickened or thinned, yet it always tastes sweet.

ON OUR FUTURE

Like the hundreds and thousands of sand in the ocean, you will never know where you would land in the near future. You might be in the deep successes of life, or live a simple shallow life along the coasts. It is inevitable that whatever the future may be, all will someday be one again with land…

ON LOVE and Beauty

Love can be the rose petals and the thorns, yet it can’t be only one or the other, for there is no love without pain, and there can’t be love without imperfection. For imperfection is beauty in itself. Symmetry in this world is too simple; imperfection makes it unique and special. The earth was not made to be symmetrical.

ON FEELINGS

Sadness makes us realize happiness and pain makes us taste joy. Warmth helped us to discover coldness and weariness makes us appreciate rest.

ON PEACE  

Peace can never be attained, for entropy is the rule of the greatest to the least. Disorder abounds in all, from the universe to the quarks. Yet, peace can be attained within our minds, whose myriads upon myriads of axons and dendrites work every millisecond to keep us alive. Ever wonder how that could be?

ON ANGER

Anger is like a worm, eating the insides of an apple. People don’t know that you have already become a hollow empty shell, devoid of happiness and life. Yet when you finally open up, all becomes clear.

ON LYING

Lying is like gears, once a gear is put in motion, all other gears move, until a gear is stuck with the truth. And thus the lie in the beginning also slowly comes to a halt.

ON WORK

The wheel of life has its ups and down, yet constantly it begins to become redundant, going through life’s never ending revolution. One should take a quick moment to change the wheel and renew it with life that lives for others.

ON BEING SPECIAL

Normal people follows the flow of water, good people pulls the normal ones, great people swim against the flow, exceptional people push great people to swim upstream.

A small drop of water in a pail does not make a big difference, but the longer it drops, the fuller the pail. One cannot fathom how large impact small things have until they are gone.

ON HAPPINESS

Sharing happiness with others is giving happiness to oneself.

Being strong for So Long

THE DAY I QUIT MEDICINE

I have been struggling with depression for about 5 months now. Having a long distance relationship is not helping either. Being alone most of the time in the condominium also attributed to my well-being I guess. But I guess the one thing that made me quit is I have been strong for so long...

It all started well, I came from a well to do family, with supportive parents and relatives, problem was, they were too supportive, with what they want, especially my stepfather who during their early years with my mother, tried to paved my future by what he sees fit.

During my elementary and highs school years, I was always on top of the class, since my mother was a teacher and does the tutoring. It never really crossed my mind though because I was somewhat of an underachiever, I wanted to be part of the crowd, part of the background. So came my senior year and I garnered only the 3rd place in our class. My mother did not mind though.

College years were spent really well, since I became independent, far from my parents studying here in Metro Manila, alone most of the time but with good friends. However, my dreams were not met since my dad pushed me in taking BS Chemistry instead of the one I truly love, BS Biology, stating that Chemistry had a licensure examination but Biology does not. 

I was planning to work after I passed my licensure, but woe betide, every time I got accepted or thought of looking for a certain job, my father discouraged me telling me that it's not a good company, or I'm better off somewhere else. Then he gave me some options, Masteral in Chemisty, additional courses in Music, BS Pharmacy or Medicine. Still, Biology was out of the picture. That time what made me choose Medicine was the encouragement of people around me, not the decision  I made myself. It seems to make everyone happy so why not? You see, I am a pleaser, maybe it is because of my upbringing or the way my parents treated me before or how my classmates see me as a happy-go-lucky guy, just chilling. I thought all the while I would be able to finish it, do it for the pride of my parents, my relatives, even my sister who is also in the medical field.

I finished my Medical school up to the point of depression and suicide. The passion of this field that I have ideally built up during my first interview into medical school, was lost. I had good friends, people even told me why I have to quit because I'm not the lazy type. People weirdly wanted me to be their duty partners since they know I do my job and I do it quite well. My only problem was, I was not happy and I tried to conceal it for so long...hoping people won't notice. Yet, I was like a bomb about to explode.

I had my first leave of absence during my junior internship, people around me were shocked of my decision. They never expected that the happy, always smiling guy who worked around the clock to please his peers and patients would suddenly give up. My parents however weren't too amused. Spending close to a million pesos for my course, I understood how they felt that time, so I gave it another try and did finished it finally having the honor of having an MD in the end of my name and getting my diploma.

Come my post graduate internship (in the Philippines, you need 5 years of training in Medicine before you could take the board examination). I was ecstatic, excited even since I'd be an MD already, not a Doctor yet, but an MD and wearing my long sleeved coat during duties. I was happy that I still have my friends by my side. Yet, I still can't shake off the nagging feeling that there is something so wrong in what I was doing. I trudged on, keeping the days shorter by reading novels, doing my hobbies, playing music.

Then suddenly, my fort that for so long I have kept building around me came falling down. In a span of 3 months, my fort, my friends, my family seems to fall away from me. It was a downward spiral I can't even comprehend. Maybe it wass because I came from 2 consecutive abusive relationships, or because my significant other lived far from me, or I lost all support system (my friends graduated, and are taking the boards, my family are far away, my sister is always busy). I consulted a psychiatrist thinking it would help. But knowing I was from the same institution made it worst, I guess she believed in the saying "Doctor, heal thyself". Matters of emotional turmoil must have been non-existent in this institution by the way she treated me and by the fact that the administration did not even read my LOA letters. I still tried though, I tried my best to rest, to take it easy for a long time, and to come back thinking maybe by that time, I will have enough bullets again for the war...

Yet... every time I go back, I realized I have used up all my bullets a long time ago. My friends, my family, my past boyfriends were the ones who kept on giving me those bullets. I thought all the while it was me who produced the bullets I had for war during those trying times. I have been emotionally dependent to people and yet knowing they are not permanent in my life. The only thing permanent in this life is change and I seem to always forget that old saying.

Then I did the unthinkable, that time I was suicidal, and all I thought was if I went along with this, maybe I will commit suicide in the long run, so I chose to have an honorary dismissal from the institution so in case I do commit suicide, the institution wouldn't be blamed. All those 8 months down the drain. I still got my diploma, I still learned a lot from taking up medical school, I garnered friends who would someday (I expect and hope) would be there to do my executive check ups or take care of me and treat me of my ailments if I became their patient. I became strong emotionally despite the fact that I gave up. Doing something you hate for so long and trying to look strong outside but crumbling slowly inside gave me a different outlook of dreams by others you try to attain. I was there for the wrong reasons. The pride, the title, the respect. It all brought disappointment to my ideal mind. I thought all the while being a doctor was taking care of people, but today, this is the exception among the lot. Medical school is gunned down by politics, by hierarchy, by instilling fear among juniors and underlings, by being able to topple each other with intellect and proudly trample down fellow physicians. I never did understood how come a teamwork style of profession would go to the dogs like this. I was thinking for myself too, I have seen a lot of residences who during their first years were angels then suddenly become possessed by some insidious entity during their second years and beyond. I don't want my character to change while trying to attain the dreams of my parents and relatives, even if I have to bear the shame of being a quitter, at least deep down inside, I am sure it is for my own good and the good of others.

So that is 1 less doctor in society, I am currently unemployed as of writing this, but happy nonetheless. Happier than I was 5 years ago when I started the war which is Medical School. If you did not experience Medical school, you couldn't quite understand. It is not the 34 hours duty or how the residents shouted at us, it is not how consultants and nurses treat us like the lowest forms of animals, or the patients who treated us worse than their maids. My reason was more of how this profession might change me for the worse in the long run and how it would affect others around me and doing something you hated for as long as 5 years adding to that my college years, that's a total of 9 years. Now tell me, am I really weak to quit? Or I was strong for so long.... Life is just a 1 shot take, it can't be edited once the film is developed.